Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I grew up in an upper-middle-class household. I was given a great education, and my family traveled and taught me about art and literature; in other words, I was given a lot of cultural capital. However, my family was still firmly working for money — not blue-bloody, not *rich.* My grandmother and other elders often expressed things such as, “It’s just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man,” or, “Marry for money. If you want love, get a puppy.”
Well, I didn’t take that route. Instead, through hard work in a lucrative and male-dominated field, I have made a lot of money myself. I married someone I love very much but who is most certainly not the rich, blue-bloody man my family thought was for me.
I feel as if I come up against this a lot in both my family and in society at large: the mentality that woman marries rich man > woman creates her own livelihood and works hard for it. The mentality irritates me, and sometimes I feel inferior for the path I have taken.
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But I wouldn’t change my path, as it is authentic to me. What are your thoughts on this trope and how to bust it? Was it just my family pumping me with this “goal,” or is it universal?
— Married for Love
Married for Love: I wouldn’t say it’s universal or unique to your family, but instead, like most cultural sicknesses, some people think it’s totally normal, and some people can’t believe anyone thinks that way.
Regardless, that has no bearing on you now. You made lucid choices then, and you believe in them still. That’s winning most of the battle against this “trope.” All that’s left is to silence those old voices in your head that are making you so self-conscious.
Although I’m not sure anything we’re programmed to believe in childhood ever 100 percent goes away, we can retrain our ghosts to leave us more or less alone.
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If it’s just the internal voice still nagging you, then you can retrain by greeting those old negative thoughts with a healthier counter-thought, every time they pop up. Think of it as picking a mallet and playing whack-a-mole with your old shame and self-doubt: “Wrong, Grandma,” or, “That’s so twisted,” or, “Dammit, me, I could have had a tiara!” or just, “Nope.” Bam, bam, bam. Every time. Then: “I’m so glad I had the guts to break free.”
If this isn’t just internal — if you have family members who are still voicing or hinting at their disapproval — then use either silence plus death stare or say, “Did you really just say that to me?”
By the way, here’s a counter-cliché for whenever they vomit out one of theirs: “If you marry for money, you earn every penny.” Readers’ thoughts:
· Rich men are used to getting their way. Now imagine that rich man being mean to you AND having plenty of means to ruin your life. It’s the lesson I learned divorcing an abusive man with a well-off father — not royalty, but with enough money to take me to court repeatedly for the next 18 years.
Also, it’s parasitical (in my opinion) to plan on living off money someone else made. All able adults should support themselves. There’s self-respect and autonomy to be had there.
· My response would be: “Oh my, what a sad view of people and life.” And then, “That’s so limiting,” or, “What a loss,” or, “I certainly hope my children don’t believe that.”
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